Playing the links

You can try this at home - and set a sporting world record

AS in all professional sports, the chances of making it to the highest level of basketball are hopelessly slim. Aside from the usual barriers of athleticism, talent and mental strength, it also helps to be freakishly tall - and it's rare indeed to have all those attributes wrapped together in one package.

But fear not, fellow vertically-challenged and athleticially impaired friends. Here is a chance for you to carve your own personal chapter of basketball history and beat the stars at their own game. All you need is time, a ball, a hoop.....and a lot of space.

Because this NBA season has seen an unexpected interest emerge among baskeball fans and players alike - the loooooong shot. Sitting down though. Standing would be too easy, after all.

There's even an official record, which was set and broken inside a week.

First, Orlando Magic center and athletic goliath Dwight Howard set the record at a pretty ruddy impressive 52 feet and 6 inches during the NBA's all star weekend. Flinging a basketball with distance and accuracy while sitting down is no easy task, and thus Dwight's effort looked set to stand for a while.

But Howard's own teammate, former human spring Vince Carter, managed to smash the record while mucking around at practice less than a week later. The new mark? 86 ridiculous, shoulder-dislocating, tricep-tearing, feet.

Now, if that seems a little far for you to attempt to break, why not just have a go at a few trick shots - they're en vogue as well.

Golden State guard Monta Ellis has added to his growing reputation with a few this year, and very entertaining it is too.

Yet for the ultimate in insane hoop-themed shots, one has to return to the amateurs. Say hello to Dude Perfect - you'll enjoy their company - who lay claim to the world's longest-ever basketball shot and one of the best highlight videos. Enjoy!

Any other videos I should be linking to? Let me know.

- Oh, and you can follow me on Twitter here.

- PPS: In light of Aaron Ramsey's horror injury, you may want to check out a blog I wrote way back in 2008 about the worst sporting injuries ever...

Proposal at hockey game goes badly wrong...

IT probably seemed like a good idea at the time. An ice hockey fan takes his girlfriend to a game at a famous old arena and uses the giant screen hanging above the ice to pop the question - then sits back and waits for an emotional response in the positive. Or not.

In this case, the 'lucky' lady in question reacts by covering her mouth in horror and storming off, leaving lover-boy looking quite the fool.

You can watch the romantic clip here .

And yet all may not be as it seems. Today's New York Daily News is reporting that the whole thing was a sham, performed by two actors who are actually engaged.

Which just leaves me asking - why bother?

- In other news, it's 20 years since 'Iron' Mike Tyson lost his heavyweight world title in a monumental upset against 42-1 underdog James 'Buster' Douglas in Tokyo.

Aside from the fact that I can't believe that fight was two decades ago now, such an anniversary gives me sufficient excuse to link to clips of a prime Tyson smashing all who crossed his path.

In the mid to late 80's, Tyson ruled boxing with an insane combination of speed, power and intimidation. He was an electrifying force of nature, a destroyer of men the likes of which comes along once in a generation. He certainly wasn't the greatest heavyweight ever, but I'd argue he was top 10 at his peak. How boxing needs a star like him now.

Of course, his time at the top did not last long. The youngest-ever heavyweight champ in history was burned out by his late twenties - and Buster started his decline.

Smacking Robbie Savage in the face, plus Mike Tyson gets his dance on

IF you're any kind of football fan, you will have a view on Robbie Savage - and I bet it's not complimentary. Something about him just winds fans up, be it the flowing golden hair, the silly accent, his yellow Lambo, his habit of hurling himself to the floor during games or going in hard on the opposing team's best player. He is not well loved.

I was exactly the same until recently, when Savage signed for my beloved Derby County FC. After a difficult first few months - and the bitter memory of him celebrating in front of Rams fans after winning a questionable game-winning penalty for Leicester years back - a strange thing happened. I realised that I actually quite like the guy.

He's lucid, articulate, intelligent and, most importantly for us fans, absolutely committed to the cause. He'll run himself into the ground every match to give you a chance of victory. You have to respect that. Oh, and he's not afraid to speak his mind.

But it's still funny when misfortune befalls him, as happened earlier this year when Sav was smacked in the face with a Carlos Cuellar clearance while commentating on the Villa-Hammers game.

You can listen to the drama here, and very enjoyable it is too.

Yet even then Savage even proved he's not averse to taking the mickey out of himself when he invited his Derby team-mates to replicate the feat. Which they duly did.

So, Mr Savage, I salute you and apologise for the years I spent throwing things at the TV whenever you appeared. Your hair still needs work, but, as my Suffolk born and bred colleagues would say, you're actually a good old boy.

- What do you think of Savage? Are there any other players you'd like to see take a ball in the face? Let me know!

- I couldn't finish the post without linking to this footage of Mike Tyson appearing on the Italian version of Strictly Come Dancing this week. It demands a watch. And it takes a brave man to give him 8 out of 10.

When kids attack - on ice with sticks

Despite being a rabid fan of almost every sport you can name (even extreme dodgeball), I've never really got on with ice hockey. That is until recently, when my habit of flicking from any channel directly to ESPN whenever the Angry Blonde leaves the room has seen me catch some surprisingly enjoyable highlights.

The speed, skill and, well, violence involved combine to form a heady mix upon which I can soon see myself becoming intoxicated. I've learnt thus far that many top players come from Europe - given the generally frigid conditions - and Russia especially churns out stars by the bucketload.

And a clip from Russia Today this week shows that they also learn early how to handle themselves in that most vital of ice hockey staples - brawling.

A game between two under-ten teams degenerated into a mass-fight, with youngsters swinging for the fences all over the shop.

Things really get going at the 26 second mark when a fast-moving youth DESTROYS a foe who was otherwise ambling innocently along and, even after the flashpoint seems to have calmed, one youngster isn't quite finished and delivers a cheeky nut shot at 1min 16 seconds.

This kind of thing in youth sports must not be tolerated and is shameful etc...but it is undeniably entertaining.

One more point - despite the fact that such levels of violence are being played out on the ice, the cameraman (whom one assumes is a parent) never stops filming and remains remarkably silent throughout the under-age punch-up. Bizarre.

Seen better ice hockey 'disagreements'? Let me know!

Football commentator goes insane, studio pundits start dancing...

THEY love their football in Italy, especially in Milan. So, when Jose's mighty Inter plucked incredible victory from the jaws of defeat this weekend, both the Milan commentator and his aged studio-based chums lost the plot a little.

First came the unlikely equaliser against Siena. Cue much shouting and celebration. But when the winning goal goes in, brace yourself.

The aforementioned commentator goes feral and, in one of the more surreal moments that I've seen in televised football coverage, the old boys in the studio start dancing along to a Euro cheese track which suddenly gets a spin. Brilliant, brilliant viewing - drink it in.

Thinking about it, such madness is one of the only ways that Sky's excellent Soccer Saturday could ever be improved.

Picture the scene - Kammy shouting 'It's unbelievable Jeff' while ripping his own hair out and eating it, Stelling getting crunk to Basshunter back in the studio as Hartlepool claim a late win and Paul Merson getting run over by a 40-tonne HGV while Charlie Nicholas and Phil Thompson shout unintelligible noises at each other.

Ok, so the bit about Merson and the HGV is perhaps a little unfair. But it would certainly improve the show.

Enjoy the clip - and let me know what you think.

Breast implants and broken arms - welcome to sport in 2010...

Ah, the first post of a new decade. And we have already been treated to one of the sports stories of the year, one which I'm fairly sure is unprecedented in the fabled pantheon of human athletic achievement.

The facts are these - Australian double world 400m hurdles champion Jana Rawlinson has had her Breast implants removed in a bid to improve her chances of gold medal glory at London 2012.

Wow. I'm fairly sure that there has never been another case in any sport of someone having cosmetic surgery/having said surgery reversed to help an athlete reach their goals. If I'm wrong, please do let me know.

Plus, you rarely see sports stories with a quote akin to Jana's "I loved having bigger boobs but I'm back to being as flat as a pancake." Wonderful stuff.

Next up, a slightly less glamorous story which nonetheless has fight fans around the world talking. Many in angry tones.

The question - how should one react when, in the process of winning a fight, you break another man's arm?

Well, if you're Japanese submission machine Shinya Aoki, the answer is that you get up, flip the bird in your foe's face as he lies on the canvas with a shattered arm and then run round the ring flipping the fans off as well. Idiots. They've only paid to watch you.

Aoki's antics have drawn much ire in the fight world, where as a general rule combatants acknowledge the need to talk trash before a fight to serve the purpose of hyping the battle - only to embrace and forgive post-hostilities. Respect is key.

To my mind Aoki - generally recognised as the second best lightweight fighter in the MMA world - has made a huge fool of himself. And for someone who insists on wearing nauseatingly-colourful ring attire, that's an achievement.

That is simply not the image that fighters should be presenting. It reinforces too many sterotypes which, as anyone with even a basic knowledge of the sport will tell you, simply do not exist.

Hopefully Aoki will soon be squaring off with phenomenal UFC lightweight champion BJ Penn -and karma may come back to bite him. Or worse.

- Let me know what you think by posting a comment below. Oh, and you can follow me on Twitter here.

Farewell to 2009 - the year of the sporting cheat

AS quickly as it all started, it’s over. Stomachs distended from the unnecessary calories, heads a little fuzzy from the surfeit of booze and turkey leftovers creating that familiar post-yule odour around the house – I do hope your Christmas was everything you wished for.

Now we must move on. The calendar is set to change, transporting us, extra poundage and all, into a new year and, indeed, a new decade.

But not quite yet. First let’s look back at 2009 and consider, fellow sporting fans, what will we remember, years down the line, about the past 12 months.

Without doubt 2009, was the year of the cheat. On a scale that we had never previously considered. With gates all over the shop.

Let’s see. We had rugby’s bloodgate, Formula One’s crashgate and football’s, er, Thierry Henry handball-gate. And that was just to name a few.

All of which were a little deflating. I don’t know about you, but the cumulative effect dented my faith in sport a tad. We do like to believe that what we hold so dear is real and incorruptible, after all.

Which made our last, and perhaps most earth-shattering cheat, a breath of fresh air.

Tiger, you’ve been a bad boy. But hell, you’re undoubtedly the athlete of the decade, unquestionably one of the greatest ever.

And none of the aforementioned cheating occurred on the links. Which, in a perverse way, made me feel a little better about things.

Linked to Tiger’s ‘transgessions’ in a roundabout way comes the rise, and rise, of social media in the sporting world.

Twitter – which was dripping with Woods rumours before the story even broke and still contains a few interesting and as yet unaired claims – played a huge part.

The number of actual, verifiable, sports stars tweeting at all hours of the day makes Twitter a vital part of the sports fan’s – and journalist’s – daily routine. It will only continue to grow in the coming months and years ahead.

Let’s not forget Facebook either. Ryan Giggs won BBC Sports Personality on the back of an FB campaign. Still vexed by that as I am, I’ll leave that discussion there.

Suffice to say though, there is much more to come from social media in the sporting world – and 2009 will be remembered as the year it all took off.

Finally, the sportsman of the year was surely a 6ft 6ins Jamaican who breaks world records fuelled by chicken nuggets, dances on the starting line and obliterates his competition with a sense of playfulness which would be most off-putting were it not so damn endearing.

Usain Bolt is, as I have written before, a once-in-a-lifetime phenomenon. In years to come, you will tell your children and grandchildren that you saw him run.

You will recount how he forced you to suspend your ideas about the limits of human achievement, how watching him run made you feel like a child again, when anything seemed possible.

For me, two times – 9.58 and 19.19 – will forever evoke memories of 2009. I have no idea what may happen in 2010, but I’m already excited to find out.

- I CAN’T finish this week’s ramble without mentioning Gareth Thomas.

It must have taken considerable courage for the Wales and Lions captain to come out as gay, and I’m pleased to say that the reaction seems to have been overwhelmingly positive.

The fact that there are those who suggested it may not have been, and that it was reported as such a major issue, was a reminder that all is not as it should be.

One can only echo Gareth’s wish that, in ten years’ time – although hopefully much sooner – no-one will care about an athlete’s sexuality.

It seems strange to be saying that on the cusp of 2010 – but sadly there is still much progress to be made.

- How will you remember 2009? Let me know by posting a comment below....

My sporting Xmas wishlist for 2010 - please take heed Mr Wenger and friends...

THERE’S no getting away from it. The snow has been falling, shopping is hellish and the festive season is hurtling towards us at warp speed Bolt.

Cue hundreds of football games in a matter of days, a darts-fest on TV, an American sports bonanza on the big day and that most enduring of Crimbo traditions, the World’s Strongest Man.

I can’t fight it though – I love Christmas. And in that fine festive spirit – nothing to do with the red wine being quaffed as I pen this – I’ve drawn up a little wish list for the coming sporting year.

Twelve desires adorn my list, for the purposes of a lamentable link to the twelve days of Christmas. Forgive me.

Anyway, grab yourself some sherry, a sausage roll and a mince pie or ten, turn up Johnny Mathis and see how your list compares to mine.

I must stress to old Saint Nick that the following is in no particular order – but I think I’ve been good and any of the below would be greatly appreciated.

1) Arsene/Sir Alex/Rafa to admit that yes, they did see it and yes, the ref was right and it was a penalty/free kick/goal/red card against their respective teams. Sadly I think there’s more chance of me meeting the baby Jesus.

2) Usain Bolt to keep his promise and run a few 400-metre races. The man who has brought magic back to sport would surely threaten Michael Johnson’s seemingly untouchable world record. I’d love to see it firmly touched.

3) Ricky Hatton to retire. Our Richard has been a fantastic servant to British boxing and there’s no disgrace in losing only to the absolute best fighters in the world, as he has. But no good can come of him fighting on – it’s time to fully devote himself to the Guinness and pies.

4) FIFA/UEFA/The FA to see sense and introduce video technology. Then we can finally consign the hypocritical outcry over Thierry Henry-style incidents to the ghosts of Christmas past.

5) Someone to explain to me, and make me enthuse about, the appeal of cricket. Is it only me that thinks cricket is a sport for those not athletic enough to pursue other, more exciting disciplines? I want to embrace it - but see my earlier comment about the baby Jesus.

6) Tiger Woods to come back and dominate like never before. Yes, he may be a bad husband. No, it’s really none of our business. Let’s get back to a time when ‘Tiger unleashing his driver’ wasn’t an unfortunate euphemism.

7) The English rugby team to pull themselves together. Injuries aside, we have the players to at least put a respectable Six Nations challenge together. Oh, for Martin Johnson to return to tactics circa 2003 – ie, give the ball to Johnny Wilks and get out of the ruddy way.

8) Roy Keane to fully commit to the beard and drive the Town to the playoffs. All this early season Roy rage among Blues fans was ridiculous. The man is a born winner. Let him do his thing.

9) Combat sports to be fully appreciated for the incredible skills and commitment they require. In my office, talk of boxing and mixed martial arts is often met with the ignorant refrain of ‘aren’t they just illiterate thugs punching each other for fun?’ Um, no. Wise up people, please.

10) Lance Armstrong and Alberto Contador to engage in a battle for the ages in Le Tour 2010. No longer team-mates, I have high hopes for an all-time classic confrontation between the old master and the impudent pupil in July.

11) The media, and the country as a whole, to approach World Cup 2010 with realistic expectations. We will not win. As Roy Keane would say, get over it. A semi-final appearance would be a stupendous achievement.

12) Someone deserving to win the BBC Sports Personality award next December. Ryan Giggs is a tremendous player, but that was folly. Everyone else on that list deserved it at least twice as much.

So, there you have it. I’m keeping my fingers crossed but I won’t hold my breath.

Pass me the festive nuts and let yuletide commence – have a very Merry Christmas, one and all.

Cheers!

- Let me know what you think of my list - and what your biggest sporting wish of 2010 is.

- By the way, you can follow me on Twitter here - I pledge to stalk you back and post random sporting musings...

So, you want to be a fighter - this might put you off

MIXED martial arts, or MMA, is the fastest-growing sport in the world and regularly sees supremely-gifted athletes test their skills against each other in generally competitive, entertaining and somewhat awe-inspiring fights. This battle, however, was painfully one-sided.

Highlighted as the 'biggest domination in MMA' by Complex.com (good site, by the way) the 44-second 'fight' saw skinny taekwondo instructor Jeremy Bullock face off against seasoned fighter Travis Fulton back in 1998, the early days of mixed martial arts.

Now, when I say Fulton was 'seasoned', what I actually mean is that he was used to getting punched, and punching people, in the face in a competitive environment where your foe is trying to render you unconcious. Bullock, however, had never had an actual fight.

Something else to consider - Fulton outweighed Bullock by more than two stone. The results were, probably, predictable.

The bell went, Bullock went flying at Fulton like one of those Bruce Lee movies he'd probably watched hundreds of times and missed a kick. That was as good as it got for Jezza.

Fulton quickly took him down and then, in a single swift movement, picked Bullock up and slammed him to the mat, folding in him half like a pair of trousers. Head first.

Fight over. Bullock recovered, but never fought again. Wise move.

You can watch the fight here, complete with pre-bout interviews. It must be stressed that such scenes are now thankfully rare in MMA, which has soared to new heights with organisations like the UFC, Strikeforce and Dream.

If you want to learn a bit more, you can peruse the whole Complex top 50 list here. Enjoy.

Oh, and let me know what you think? Are you an MMA fan? Or do you think it should be banned? Let me know by posting a comment below. Abuse, or indeed praise, is welcome.

Tiger Woods crash - the best video you will see this year...

So, Tiger Woods had a crash. But, now that we know the golfing god is alright, the question that the world is asking is - what happened? This video suggests a couple of scenarios -with animation, in case your imagination is not firing today.

One is the 'Tiger crashes, wife saves him' option, while the other is, errr, slightly more mischievous. Both feature Mrs Woods and a golf club. It is not clear whether it's a wood or an iron....

Watch the video here. You'll probably want to view it a couple of times.

I don't think I need to say anything else. Let me know what you think.

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Blog update: Woods apologises for 'letting my family down' and 'personal sins.'

You can also hear an interesting voicemail message, allegedly left by Tiger, here.

Six-year-old boy introduces team-mates to PAIN!

AS I hurtle at a worrying pace towards my 30th birthday, I'm struggling to remember being six years old. I am, however, sure that I was pretty rubbish at sport at that age -and definitely nowhere nears this lad's level.

Pity the team-mates of Nyrel Sevilla. The little guy is not really any bigger than his peers, but he's about 15 times faster -and seems to understand the concept of American Football better than all of his chums put together. Essentially, if you've got the ball, you're going to get hit. HARD, if Nyrel has anything to do with it.

For proof, enjoy this clip of 'Nitro' Nyrel exploding two of his team-mates. They look as if they're barely able to cope with running, holding a ball and breathing at the same time, and our pal Nyrel has absolutely no problem taking advantage.

I particularly enjoy the coach holding his head in his hands in the first clip after Sevilla destroys the ball handler. Funny that no-one else seemed that keen to take the pigskin. Can't really blame them. Hell, I'm 29 and I reckon Nyrel could take me down.

Anyway, that's it for now. If you've got any clips of other precociosly talented youngsters making their friends look bad, send them to me.

Cheers!

Yes, Thierry Henry handled the ball. Get over it. And Roy Keane agrees with me!

So, the plucky Republic of Ireland will not play in next year's World Cup after that nasty man Thierry Henry blatantly handled the ball before setting up the goal which set Irish eyes a-crying. Zut alors!

And the Gunner reject even had the cheek to admit that it was a handball. Why didn't he stop playing there and then? Why can't the game be replayed? Why didn't the ref see it? Cheating like this can't be allowed - let's start a petition!

Please, stop it. Yes, Henry handled the ball. He almost caught it, in fact. It was blatant. And yes, it would be nice if players owned up there and then to any questionable incidents of 'gaining an advantage'.

But give yourself a slap and say hello to the real world. We see cheating in sport all the time and are more than willing to overlook it - as long as it benefits us, as long as our team wins. Had that been an Irish player - or better still an English player - palming the rock for a crucial goal there would be no such outrage. Apart from a token 'oh dear chaps, that really was hard luck. Feel a bit ashamed actually. Replay the game? Errr...' Anyone remember Michael Owen and the Argentina 'trip' in World Cup 2002?

Aside from that, cheating is now a generally-accepted part of society as a whole, not just a sporting oddity. We see it everyday, from facial creams claiming to make you look ten years younger to idiots stabbing each other in the back in a desperate attempt to win the latest reality TV drivel. It's not nice, but it's life. And nice guys, as we all know, finish last.

What happened to the Irish last night was not fair, no argument. They deserved better. Unfortunately 'deserving' counts for nothing in sport, as in life. And had Robbie Keane or Damien Duff buried their great chances and made it 2-0, this whole row would never have happened.

But let's not continue to make hypocrites of ourselves with this outrage. It only happened a few hours ago, yet it's already time to move on.

PS: If that video clip doesn't work I apologise - I've tried my best. YouTube are taking footage down almost as quickly as people can post it.

Blog update: Roy Keane agrees with me.

The world's most violent female footballer and quickest-ever goal....

I'm all for a bit of contact in a football match - players these days are far too protected and willing to fall at the mere suggestion of a tackle. However, is this a step too far?

In a recent game against Brigham Young University, New Mexico defender Elizabeth Lambert introduced a few opponents to PAIN, Mr T style.

'Lights out' Lambert, as I have christened her, started with a few borderline challenges before really ramping up the violence, almost ripping a player's head off while throwing her to the ground by her ponytail and later managing to karate chop an opponent's throat while, one assumes, trying to win the ball.

Perhaps the most amazing thing about this rather-entertaining display of physical combat - she didn't get sent off. Now that's a lenient ref. To be applauded, I think. Could we not get her over here to kick a few overpaid whining male players up in the air?

And if this had been a game between men, I'd argue that anyone sporting a ponytail/mullet is fair game for any amount of physical attack - no matter how severe. Bad hair should be a bookable offence. Sort it out FA.

Anyway, Lambert has since, rather sadly, been suspended by her team.

In other football news this week, I also enjoyed what many are claiming to be the quickest goal ever scored, netted after just two seconds by Nawaf Al Abed in a Saudi Arabian league game.

Essentially, Al Abed spotted the keeper off his line and battered it right from kick-off. Route One GOAL!

Right, that's it for now. If you've seen any other incidents of football violence/quicker goals, let me know.

Cheers!

Marlon King: An odious waster who should be banned from football for life

I like to consider myself pretty liberal, and I'm all for giving people who've made mistakes a second chance. When that person is Wigan striker Marlon King though, I'm afraid I get rather more right-wing.

King, for those who don't know - and there surely can't be many - was jailed last week for sexually assaulting and then punching a young woman in a London bar.

Regardless of what he does for a living, such actions are beneath contempt. But the fact that he is a well-paid (£35k-a-week) professional footballer merely reinforces the ever-growing stereotype of players as spoilt, vain, aggressive thugs.

King, though, goes one step further. A man (and I use that term in the loosest possible way) who has clocked up 13 previous convictions and has already served time in prison, he is nothing short of a disgrace to football. He's had his chances, and then some. He should never be allowed to play again.

His agent, obviously, has a different view. I've already heard him boasting that teams will be lining up to sign King when he leaves the big house. The sad fact is that is probably true. But if the FA were to ban King for life, that option would be immeadiately removed. As it should be.

Let me clarify this. Marlon King has had many advantages in his life. He is gifted enough to play football at the highest level, earn a fantastic living and treat himself and his wife (yep, he's married) to a superb quality of life

So what does he do? How does he cherish his fortune, use his gift for good?

Well, on a celebratory night out after he'd scored a winning goal and learned that his wife is pregnant, King goes to an exclusive London bar and proceeds to leer at and sleaze over the women enjoying themselves.

After several knockbacks, he's had enough. So when Emily Carr becomes the latest to spurn his advances he informs her that she's not 'in his league' before punching her in the face, shattering her nose and sending two of her friends flying.

He later tells club officials that he's done nothing wrong. I'm sure, in his warped mind, he hadn't.

If he is allowed to continue playing upon his release from prison - where I bet he's finding out that he's not such a big man - it would send a catastrophic message to those who play, follow and love football, and sport in general.

It is time to get tough. No fence-sitting allowed.

One of my favourite quotes about basketball legend Michael Jordan came from fellow hoops icon Bill Russell, who once said that Jordan was a 'better man than he was a basketball player.' Quite a compliment, considering Jordan is widely considered to be the greatest to ever play the game.

Unfortunately for King, and the rest of us, he is better-than average as a footballer but a complete failure as a man.

He will need football again when he is released, but football does not need him.

- Now that I've got that off my chest, let's lighten the mood a bit with this great video of San Antonio Spurs guard Manu Ginobili swatting a bat (yes, a BAT) out of the air when it flew onto the court during a game. He has since had to have a rabies shot.....

What do you think about my argument? Should Marlon King be allowed to play again, or do you agree with me?

The drought is over - I GUARANTEE that Ipswich Town will win on Saturday

THIS is not an easy thing for me to write, and I do so after much soul-searching - but I guarantee that Town will finally clinch that elusive first league win by beating Derby County at Portman Road on Saturday.

I say this not as a deluded Town follower hoping against hope, but as a life-long Rams fan. Such a statement is not made lightly, but I fear it is meant to be.

You see, with October 31st long circled in my diary, I have been watching aghast as Town fail to win week after week after week. Having lived in Suffolk for 16 years I do have affection for the Blues and hate to see them struggle, but the reason for my chagrin has nothing to do with that.

Nope, it's because as far back as game two or three of the season, when it became apparent that Town may flounder, I predicted that long-awaited win would come against Derby.

Thus, it is with an ever-growing sense of inevitability that I make my sombre prediction. And I fear it will not be a victory of the grind-it-out 1-0 nailbiter variety, but a 4-0 spanking which sparks a long winning run for the Blues.

Of course, I would not make such a disheartening guarantee based on nothing more than my gut feeling and inner dread. So let's look at the cold hard facts of the match-up.

First, my reeking Rams have the worst away record in the league. We haven't won away from Pride Park all year. In seven games, the closest we've come is a couple of 0-0 draws with Blackpool and Leicester.

In those seven games we've scored the intimidating total of five goals, while 'holding' our opponents to 'just' 15. That includes a 6-1 tonking at Cardiff. We are clearly suffering with a bad case of travel sickness.

Next, we are totally besieged with injuries. At last count I believe we had 132 potential first team players out hurt. One of those is Kris Commons, our talisman and easily one of the best players in the whole Championship.

We can barely put a decent team on the pitch, much less think about winning. And the players that we do put out are having to play much more than they should, creating fatigue throughout the squad.

Third, our own manager is openly concerned about our plight. I do like Nigel Clough, but it's hardly confidence building when he talks of the need to 'scrap for a point' until we get our injured players back when we might be able to 'get a side out to compete.' Churchillian that is not.

And now our chairman has quit. My beloved club is becoming a bit of a (terrible pun alert) rambles. Ipswich look like a bastion of contentment next to us.

Further to our injury issues is the uncomfortable truth that, even when we have a fully fit squad, our defence is leakier than the Titanic after kissing that iceberg. Ever since we set new lows of achievement in the Premier League, our back four have consistently managed to concede goals with impressive - and depressing - regularity.

I've already mentioned the 6-1 at Cardiff, but our gaping defensive holes were also there for all to see when Jim Magilton's QPR carved us up like the Christmas turkey on Saturday on the BBC. Losing 4-2 at home when you're 'protecting' a 2-0 lead is not the sign of a good team.

Finally, and perhaps most indicative of our current state - we have signed Paul Dickov on loan. And we actually play him. A great little player five years ago, but since celebrating his 60th birthday, he's slowed down a bit.

So there you are. When it's all said and done, Town will win on Saturday. I reckon 3 or 4 nil. You heard it here first.

More to the point, if you can't beat us - or actually lose - then you really are in trouble.

Let me know what you think. Will Town best my rank Rams?

PS: Of course I hope, by writing such a negative assessment of the state of my own side and making such a bold prediction, that the complete opposite will happen. I would LOVE that (head nod to Kevin Keegan).